I've been crying for the past few days, not really knowing what's wrong with me. I think I kind of know why now.
I feel so alone, so lonely, so lost, so afraid, so unloved.
Where do I belong?
For the past few years, I've lost my small shred of a sense of belonging. I think I feel like growing up, no one really cared for me. Sure, my family might say they care for me, but they didn't show it much.
I don't know if this is all self-pity talk, but growing up, I felt very neglected. Everyone was busy with their own little world, even back then.
Now, needless to say, we are even more apart. I just realized that when I first moved to Arizona with mummy, kor kor and papa never really called/skyped for all that time. When I moved to West Jordan, it was the same thing.
Maybe that's why I am so afraid of the future, of how I'll treat my future family - will I lose touch with this insight? And also the mission. If I went on a mission, I'm not sure if I'll get any letter at all. Yeah, sad, I know.
I thought that moving to West Jordan would give me some peace of mind and to help me sort out my feelings while I'm away from it all... I don't know how I feel now. Yes, I've had time to think, a lot... but I've also had a lot of time to hurt, alone.
So I think what I'm trying to do here, or have been doing for the past few years with food... is to numb myself of the pain.
Yep. That's right. I admit it. I am lost, scared, afraid and quite hurt. But I put on quite a front I guess.
:)
Hopefully life will be better for you in the future.
Love,
E