Hello. If you are reading this, I have probably gone to a hopefully, better place. I have tried hard to make my life meaningful but it's not working out. I have learnt that people are for themselves, most of the time. This is fine with me. But I don't see the purpose in this. Why live in a world where you're not needed? Why take up space and resources that other people who might enjoy this experience better than yourself? I don't know what I want in life or what I want from it. Sure, I would like to see everyone happy and I would very much want world peace. People say this is a selfish act on my part. I agree, but you will all get over it soon enough and forget me. If I had something amazing to offer the world, I would. But I don't. So here's me saying goodbye to you and that I will still be cheering on team mankind from wherever I am. Cheers to world peace.
This note of course would be found after the police find my body and stuff. When my mom learns the news, she will probably be broken, as well as my dad and brother. They will never cease to question themselves 'what could i have done for her?' My friends will be sad. Though they won't feel it as much because they have not seen me in a while. My presence in their lives will be the same as it has been the past 2 years. My biggest guilt would be the ramifications that will hit the hardest on my loved ones.
After my funeral, I will probably be talked about by the people closest to me and how shocked they are. Then, they will probably wonder why I did what I did. They will come up with many different possibilities, a number of which might be true to my case. But life will still go on.
Which brings me to why I won't do it: the very same reason I would - life. Life is mysterious. Although I feel that it is predictable (only so many scenarios can unfold), it is still an adventure and I am still the author of my very own life. It is my turn to write my story. Hopefully, it will be the greatest adventure story out there. Greatest not in the sense that it's necessarily the best, but that it was well lived - to the fullest of its potential and the uniqueness that it has. I want to be able to say that "I have fought the good fight and I have come out victorious." I want to be like Ender in that he stresses that the hoo-hah is not all about winning - "It's about HOW you won"
Christmas season was fun. I enjoyed it. I hope my life gets better from here on out. :) Wish me luck!
2014, here I come!