I'm not exactly sure what or why, but for the most part of the past few weeks, I've realized that life's not all that bad for me. Sure, I may have my moments when I am feeling extremely lonely, alone or lost, but I have not cried into my pillow for a while now. No longer do I question and no longer do I wish I could turn back time.
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of practice courses that has prepped me for my current situation. My earliest memory of this is having most of them being with my kakak.
80% of my childhood was spent with kak itho. Day in, day out. I rarely ever saw papa because he was always on one of his "business trips" which would last for weeks or months on end. Mummy on the other hand was the always present parent but mostly on her computer, doing accounts for papa. When I'd come home from school, she'd be reading the newspaper and I'd ask her if she wanted to play. I don't think she ever once said 'yes'. Her idea of fun was me massaging her, which was not at all fun for me. We didn't talk.
In the late afternoon/evenings, I would hang out with kak itho while she talked to her friends. When I got back home, I would go up to kor kor's room and see if he wanted to play. Sometimes he did, mostly he didn't. So, I had to entertain myself. I took his toys and played with them in his room while he played on his computer. Occasionally, we would spar and play "mosquito hunter" which was very fun for me.
I wasn't always fond of the computer. It used to confuse me. Then, I discovered Neopets and different computer games. Needless to say, the computer and I became best friends from then on. I'd play Neopets, a couple other online games, Maplestory, The Sims. I loved MSN messenger.
On very rare occasions, my family would spend time together. My fondest memories include going to the waterfall by our house. "Bukit Belacan" So for my 15th birthday, I wanted to have a picnic there. I believe that was also the day that my string began to unravel, if you get what I mean.
A lot of the times, family activities would require spending money. I'm not sure if I agreed with this approach, but that's how my family did it, which is perhaps why we didn't spend a whole lot of time together. In retrospect, I wish we could spend more quality time together with a lower cost. Family time for us would include my dad talking about work and all the great things and ideas he had. My mother, brother and I would listen, and my mother and brother would chime in when the topic became the current news. I was ALWAYS out of the loop, since I was 5 years younger. It sucked because I didn't feel like my opinion mattered or that I even understood the whole situation. I didn't feel very smart around them. So, I kept quiet.
When I finally began taking part in these conversations, I started slow, and then I turned 15. That meant I didn't talk all that much. It was really hard to sound smart in front of my family, I felt. So, they didn't get to know the real me until much later.
Not sure if you would consider this sad, but I feel like this whole experience is something for me to learn from. In the future, I would want to spend more time with my family and give each of them talking time. I've been thinking a lot about this, since young. Funny, isn't it? That is why I want to live a phenomenal life. I want to live as such because I want to be able to tell cool stories and to share my experiences. I want to also be the best mother and wife I can possibly be and this would be for me venturing into the unknown, since I didn't quite have the best role model in my life (intentions are one thing, actions are another.)
So I suppose that was the spiel of my whole family life story. As of today, Dec.6 2014, I am my own family. Physically at least. It has been hard, but I am glad that I have been able to rely on myself. Not many people can go through what I have and still be as optimistic and sane as I am (or at least I am thinking so.) Yes, I do have many imperfections and an eating disorder that I am trying to correct but I am sure that with continued progress, I will reach to the point in life where I want to be - contentment.
I do not wish my situation upon anyone (pretty sure there's an easier way). It has been a hard journey and many lessons have been learnt and I have received many tender mercies. If anything, this has helped me find myself and my voice.
So today, I feel like I have progressed as a person.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring. :)
Can't wait for the semester to be over!!!
-E